Snape the Flying Wonder!
by The Emerald Oinker
Summary: [complete] Hehe, I.C. Fire told me of a picture of the movie snape in front of a table with cake, I just wrote this on impulse and it is very strange (you are warned):“Severus! Get down here now!” “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!” [Involves Vampirish behaviour.


One day while Severus Snape was busily dressing for another droll day at school and wishing there was some way he could skive Preinstall Normal Preinstall 2 446 2001-11-10T00:10:00Z 2001-11-10T00:10:00Z 8 3009 17154 142 34 21066 9.2720 

Snape! The flying wonder!

By Green_Pig

One day while Severus Snape was busily dressing for another droll day at school and wishing there was some way he could skive off, he remembered that underneath a floorboard underneath his four-poster bed he had hidden a well-boxed rich chocolate cake.  He was so late for class that no one else was about in the common room so he reached under and opened the case.  He sunk his teeth into it greedily and moaned a sigh of delight as he ate the luxurious chocolate cake.

Unknown to him though something was watching him from a the rafters of the cold dungeon, it swooped down and grabbed his shoulders, lips to his ear, it said as Severus choked on some cake crumbs:

"Lunchie-munchies hmm?" Then the powerful stranger pushed back Severus' neck and bit, drinking his blood and also moaning with delight at its rich food.

It was over in a matter of minutes, Severus' body slumped to the ground and chocolate cake cream ran with his blood.  No one turned up for an hour because they were all at lessons, in that time he managed to regain his strength, pick himself up and clean up the mess, and slump down onto his bed.

He was sixteen, last year at Hogwarts, next birthday in a month.  After that day Severus always desired to eat chocolate cake at night, and didn't enjoy leaving the darkness at all.  He wasn't a true vampire, he knew, because daylight made a vampire die instantaneously.  So he left school without telling anyone of his ordeal and carried on with life, it was alright, really, every night he'd have a sickly chocolate cake and was happy, he'd hardly leave the dungeons if he could, but daylight didn't worry him, just gave him a nasty neck rash at the end of the day.

Then of course, that Potter boy came along with all his little friends, it didn't really bother him too much but they were always sneaking around after dark and if anyone saw him stealing food from the kitchens again he'd be in trouble…that damn second year two years back had seen him and he had to wipe the child's memory to save his own skin…now those meddling kids were always wandering around the school under their invisibility cloak so they could be anywhere and he'd not know about it.  Damn!

It was Christmas day, Harry, Ron and Hermione were in their last year and enjoying their last ever Hogwarts Christmas.  It was a very emotional moment, Hermione was weeping on the table and Ron was patting her back reassuringly.  Harry was busily eating the last ever Hogwarts Christmas dinner and checking over in his head what he was planning to do later that night when he and Ron and Hermione could sneak out somewhere and explore the school after dark.  In a few months he would be leaving school, leaving the Dursleys and joining his friend Ron in the wizarding world.  _Fantastic._

Snape stalked in, robes dramatically billowing out making him look more sinister and impressive than before.  Harry and Ron narrowed their eyes at him when he walked past and then continued with what they were doing.  Snape settled down at his seat on the staff table and glared evilly at Sprout when she tried to encourage him to get into the Christmas cheer by pulling a cracker.  Snape hadn't enjoyed Christmas since he was bitten because some part of the Vampire in him hated Christ and God, anything holy had to be removed from him, it made him feel sick and dizzy, and very, very angry.

Sprout looked away and instead got Flitwick to pull her cracker.

"Are you well today Severus?" Dumbledore said.  Snape slowly turned his head and looked up into those annoyingly glittering eyes of the Headmaster.

_"I'm just peachy."_ He sneered, turning back to his plate of a healthy roast.  He would have preferred chocolate cake instead…

After his meal, which he really felt would have tasted better if there was chocolate with it, Snape descended the dungeons stairs and found the secret passageway into the kitchens.  When he entered the Elves bustled around quickly and went to the cupboards.

"Is sir wanting a cake today?" One of the little things asked looking up at him from its tiny height below his knees.

"Rather a small elf aren't you?" He said.  The elf went red.

"Sorry sir, my family's always been small sir.  I can work just as hard sir."

"Never mind, just get me my cake."

"Yes sir!" The little embarrassed elf skittered away and came back seconds later with a freshly made chocolate cake with plenty of smooth creamy chocolate topping on top.  Snape's eyes watered in anticipation.

"Ahem, yes well thank you, carry on and make sure you have another ready for tomorrow." He swooped out, got into the corridor and used a spell to turn the cake invisible so that he could carry it to his office without anyone seeing.

A few minutes before though Harry, Ron and Hermione went to their common room and Harry and Hermione used magic to turn themselves invisible, Ron used Harry's invisibility cloak because he hadn't learnt how to turn invisible yet.  It was early evening, most people were in their common rooms or outside enjoying the snow, not many people walked around in the corridors and all the teachers, well most of them had gone to have a few drinks down in the local pub in Hogsmeade.  The three had the whole of the corridors to themselves, mainly, all excepting the ghosts and Peeves, oh and Snape of course but he only sneaked around the dungeons so that didn't worry them.

Today was Christmas and since it would be their last Christmas Ron had persuaded the other two to explore Snape's room for any signs of Christmas cheer.  So here they were, waiting around inside Snape's cold dungeon office surrounded by foul things floating in pickle jars and feeling rather stupid.

"Come on you guys, looks like Snape's got no Christmas cheer after all." Ron said, Harry and Hermione nodded silently; the place always had given them the creeps.  Harry walked outside, and before the other two could start leaving he swerved right round and pushed them back into the room.

"Snape's coming!" He said, Hermione gasped.

"Well we've got to get out of here quick! If he finds us we're in big trouble, and me especially! I'm Head Girl!"

"Okay don't fret, let's just try to sneak out when he opens the door and has his back turned."

"Oh Ron, I feel faint… who knows what disgusting things he might get up to in here!"

"Shut up he's here!" Harry hissed (though not in Parseltongue because I very much doubt Ron and Hermione looked like snakes to him). They stepped back into the shadows near the door ready for a quick escape when Snape strode in.  No, not strode, more like lurching as if eager to do something very quickly.

"No time, no time…" He muttered exasperatedly.  He put down the invisible cake on his desk and turned round.  "Door must be shut, no time, no time at all!" Harry, Ron and Hermione were too slow to get past Snape and out of his office, he slammed the door shut running into it and locking it firmly with the locking charm.  Hermione was ready to use the unlocking charm as soon as his back was turned so that she and her friends could all get out quick.  She was just forming her lips to say the charm when Harry and Ron both grabbed her shoulders and slowly turned her on the spot.  What she saw was not nice.

"Oh how I've waited… I really must kill myself one of these days…" Snape spread his hands over the cake as if it were a bubbling potion and it became clear to the three trespassers under their cloak and invisibility spell that Snape was preparing to devour an entire chocolate cake all to himself, without a spoon or fork like a well bred man that he was.

Snape dived.  

Harry, Ron and Hermione stared in fascinated disgust and horror.  It was like watching a great big bat sucking the juice out of a really brown creamy tomato and making quite a mess.  It was just, just _horrible._

"We-gotta-get-outta-here…" Ron whispered in his lowest of voices, it wouldn't have mattered; the noise was too loud.  Harry and Hermione nodded slowly, held their breaths and Hermione very quietly and discreetly unlocked the door with a spell, led them all out and locked it back shut again.  Snape hadn't noticed their entrance or exit.

"What the Fuck is Snape up to???!" Ron screamed in the corridor some way away from the dungeons.

"That was _disgusting!"_

"I can't believe that's what he does with him time off!"

"Ugh!" Hermione put a hand over her mouth and wretched.  "Ugh I feel like I've just witnessed a fly throw up its guts on its food and then eat it up close as if it was giant!" She turned on the spot nervously.

"We have to tell someone." Ron said.

"Oh yeah, who Ron? Let's go straight to Dumbledore, say we were in Snape's office sneaking around at night and witnessed him devour a _whole chocolate cake_ all to himself in the most _gross_ ways possible!" Hermione yelled back, Harry said:

"Well at least he was doing it in the privacies of his own office…" They stared back at him blankly.

"Thank you Harry for that wonderful defence on his part." Ron said. "Maybe you could enlighten us on what we should do exactly?"

"Carry on with our lives, we've got less than six months of school and we can just not repeat what we saw to anyone okay?" he waited until the words had sunk in on his friends.  Ron held his head down and sighed.

"Your right."

"Yeah Harry, we should just forget about it."  They became invisible again and returned back to their common room.

The next term the three had double Potions.  When they realised this they all entered Snape's dungeon nervously remembering in full detail the, the _thing_ they had witnessed on Christmas night.

"Sit, and take your work down from the shelves, do try and remember your own names and take your own labelled cauldrons this time, Mr Malfoy." Draco grumbled and withdrew his hand away from Hermione's cauldron trying to look as those he hadn't been planning to switch names by magic when no one was looking.  In the last year Snape had been as mean to the Slytherins as he was to all the other years, though not as mean as he usually was to the Hufflepuffs, it was a common thing now to hear Snape reprimanding Draco on something he had done during every lesson of Potions they had.  No one knew why the sudden change, but they didn't disagree with it any time, it was rather fun watching Draco getting red faced with either embarrassment or anger at what used to be his favourite teacher in all the world.

Harry, Ron and Hermione gathered their cauldrons and laid them down at their benches, but unlike everyone else they were not that interested at the strange colour and sticky look of their potions, they all watched Snape with hawk-like eyes, unblinking and unable to get that gruesome image out of their minds.

Until he sensed their stares and turned on them, speaking from the front of the class to the back where they were.

"Is there anything you are unsatisfied with you three?" He said icily.  "Perhaps you would like me to see the poor attempts you've made and present them to the class, with each one of you trying them to test their effectiveness?" They looked away as one.  They had been making the transferral potion in the last week before Christmas and had left them to still over the holidays, what they were making exactly they were not sure of, Snape had only mentioned that it changed small parts of your body into… _other things.  _That was all he told them, who knows what sort of things they would be changed into?

Snape began to laugh manically into his hands, trying to be quiet enough so that no one would hear.  He achieved this except that the only three who heard him were Harry, Ron and Hermione.  They heard because they were still watching him and as no one else had any interest in Snape at all no one else apart from those three heard.

"He's twisted." Ron muttered out of the corner of his mouth, Hermione made a fake gasp and Harry clapped his hands exaggeratedly.

"Oh very clever discovery Mr Weasley, you deserve a gold award for that one."  Ron looked peeved.

"Mock all you want but he's even more sinister than before, I'm telling you… I mean," Ron lowered his voice to an almost inaudible whisper. "He was a Death Eater, we know that so he must be shifty, but while everyone else have forgotten about his crimes and believe him to be better now, I still don't think so.  What's with the laughing anyway? Only insane maniacs with an axe behind their backs laugh like that."  Harry and Hermione looked over Ron's shoulder and watched Snape carefully.

He was sat down in his chair but sniggering to himself, and obviously finding it hard to control the amount of sniggering he was doing, one moment his eyes flitted to the door and he shifted in his seat, putting his clenched fist in front of his mouth to block it from view while he still sniggered.  Snape's eyes flitted left and right looking for something, no checking around for people watching him.  Harry and Hermione turned away with Ron and watched out of the corners of their eyes at the teacher while he blinked a few times and suddenly stood.

Snape made a brief whimper and stormed from the room in a whirl of black robes.  The class stopped working and began to chat, some asking each other if they had any idea what was up with Snape.

"Either he's remembered something bad or he really has to go." Ron said to the others, people around their bench laughed out loud when they heard this and quick enough the rest of the class agreed on what must be wrong with Snape.  So they waited the rest of the lesson for him but he never came and when it was time to leave they all returned their cauldrons to the shelves and left.  Harry, Ron and Hermione stayed to check out any clues around Snape's desk to explain his sudden exit.

After cautiously looking in his desks drawers, finding confiscated sweets and other personal things from younger students.  Surprisingly there were sheets of lined Muggle paper with lesson plans written all over starting on the lines and then curling round until they were going off around the edge.  And then in the third drawer they found a set of old iron keys.  Ron snatched them up.

"Ron!" Both Harry and Hermione snapped.

"What? Maybe we can use them to find out where Snape is."

"If he was going anywhere those keys are needed he'd have been back to get them." Hermion said. "You just want to pinch them!" Ron looked shamefully at his feet and returned the keys to the drawer.

"Come on, there's nothing here.  We might as well get ready for our next lesson after break-time."  They left with Ron mumbling to himself: "I bet those keys were for secret tunnels and places…"

"Did you say something?" Hermione said.

"What? No."

Snape was in his office lying down in his bed, his body trembling, heart racing, eyes wide open.  His canine teeth were elongating and his hair was starting to clump together in spikes.  Snape was at first very frightened, but then he felt great power building up inside him and it made him feel good, but very, very bad…

At noon all the candles and other lights around Hogwarts were extinguished, curtains on four-poster beds swung shut and the ghosts halted in mid flight to shake their heads and head off for the towers.

Dumbledore stood from his desk in the high round tower and looked out of his widow toward the sky.  Dark, threatening clouds descended over the school and huge swarms of black bats twisted and spun around the odd regularly flashes of lightning.

"Oh no…" Dumbledore said. "I hadn't expected _this_ to happen… we shall have to get to the source of all this." He left, Fawkes preened his feathers and thought: _"That man needs someone to talk to, always referring to himself as 'we' is certainly the signs of madness."  _Then the phoenix hopped to the windowsill and looked up, looking like a fiery bright beacon in the middle of the storm.  The towers were definitely different, more spiked and evil looking, stone Gargoyles lining the roofs bearing gruesome teeth. _"Oh _I _understand… one of those things again."_ Fawkes fluffed up his feathers and descended out into the skies briefly disturbing the orderly pattern of flight that the bats were doing.

And Snape rose, vertically off the bed and floated up with ease to hang in the air.  Hair long and spiked, black robes even more impressive and not blowing about but wide open like wings hanging down half open.  His eyes were murky green with slit pupils and long shiny white canine teeth, fingers longer by only a few centimetres and clawed.  His clothes definitely looked newer and richer styled than they had been before.  All around him the air glowed green, as the vampire inside him broke free and created the dazzling scene.

Then vampire Snape let out a long high shrieking laugh and he spun round and transformed into a bat, flew out of the door from his bedroom into his office and then out into the corridor, through the dungeons shrieking or rather squeaking now and up into the Great Hall where pupils were eating their lunch.

Snape appeared in mid air and apparently standing with ease on nothing.  Everyone froze in curious confusion.  The man above them they all recognised and knew but he wasn't really very scary at all.  He looked silly.  McGonagall stood up and looked up at him from the ground.

"Severus! Get down here now!" He looked down with a goofy smile.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!" He laughed and spun around on the spot. "I can fliiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!" He demonstrated by swooping a few laps around the hall in loops and spins, the Great hall echoed with laughter and Snape's cries.

"Severus Snape! Get down here NOW!" but McGonagall was beaten down by the cheers and waving from all the students.  Snape continued to spin and whirl like a bird among the rafters and McGonagall ran out for Dumbledore.  When all the teachers turned and ran leaving the pupils alone Snape stopped flying at once and his expression changed to malevolence.  He turned and swooped down and landed onto the staff table.

"SILENCE YOU STUPID IDIOTS!" The hall rang to the sound of dying laughter and Snape's scream.  People began to cower under his horrible stare through those green slit eyes.  Then someone at the back of the hall on the Hufflepuff table said:

"Argh!" And then the rest of the hall followed with screaming children running about in panic.  The vampire locked all the doors with magic, somersaulted in the air and dived for the first child he could get his evil hands on; a small first year Ravenclaw.

"Heheheheh! Wheeeeeeee!" He took her up and up to the top of the hall and hovered, placing her on a beam to sit and wait, then he swooped back down and fished for more children sitting them side by side on the rafters until he could fit no more on, the survivors poured out of the hall after he released the spell on the doors, the teachers came in like an animal trying to swim upstream.

"Severus! Come on now enough of this game!" Dumbledore called from below.  Snape laughed.

"Mwhahahahah."

"Right, that's it!" McGonagall rushed ahead and flicked her wand around her, she transformed into a cat but with an added pair of wings and flew up to the surprised Snape, hissing and spitting.

"Argh no! I hate cats!" The chase was on, a grown man/vampire flying round in a circle terrified above the Great Hall with a small tabby cat with wings following close behind, claws outstretched hissing and growling.  The students on the rafters began cheering again but this time for McGonagall who proved she too could perform quite a good air show.  It was going well, Snape tiring and beginning to sink to the ground, but then one over excited student fell back and went hurtling to the ground.

Snape changed direction and went for the meat, McGonagall was too late and Snape caught the child, broke their neck and drank regaining strength, dropped the dead girl to the ground and shrieking like a crow acting a little over exaggeratedly he turned into a bat and hurtled out of the window like a spinning bullet to go and live in Transylvania for the rest of eternity singing about how he was a Barbie girl in a Barbie world, never to be seen again except by the locals who swore after their terrible experiences out in the woods, that they had seen a strange man singing stupid sad old songs and eating chocolate cake smearing it all over his face going: "Wheeeeee I am a bear! Raaaaaaar! Wheeeeee!"

Harry, Ron and Hermione left school happily enough, Hogwarts returned to the way it was and to hide their embarrassment the girl's body was in a way, swept under the carpet and the teachers put the blame on someone kidnapping her in the night.

THE END

(Thank God for that.)


End file.
